STAIRWAY TO WAL-MART
(parody of "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin)
by John Thorpe, a.k.a. SNAPMAN (snap_man@ix.netcom.com)

There's a scalper who's sure
All his figures are gold
And he's buying a stairway to Wal-Mart.
When he gets there he knows
If the store is still closed,
In the back, he can buy what he came for.
Ooh, ooh, and he's buying a stairway to Wal-Mart.
 
There's a sign in the store,
"Two toys per customer",
But he knows that those signs have no meaning.
In the line by the clerk
There's a young child who cries,
Because all of his toys have been taken.
Ooh, it makes you wonder,
Ooh, it makes you wonder.
 
There's a figure I'll get
That I'll clutch to my chest,
'Cause the scalper is pawing and grabbing.
In these stores I have seen
Hordes of men grab the figs,
And the rantings of those who have nothing.
Ooh, it makes you wonder,
Ooh, it really makes you wonder.
 
And it's rumored that soon
When the hobby is doomed,
Then the scalper will leave us our figures.
And a new toy will come
For those who wait long
And the figure will go and be opened.
 
If there's a figure on your wishlist
Don't go insane now,
It will be waiting for the taking.
Yes, there are two stores you can go to
But in the long run
There's a time to buy the toy you want.
And it makes you wonder.
 
Your head is swimming but you won't go
'Til toys are your own;
The scalper's calling you to pay him.
Poor scalper, can't you see your figs blow,
And do you know
Your stairway's dust in the blowing wind?
 
And there's a scalp shop down the road,
The prices higher than are most.
There lurks a scalper we all know
Who sells Star Wars and G.I. Joe
And ev'rything's worth more than gold.
But if you've waited very long,
The toy will come to you at last.
When all the toys are there for all,
You'll pay with cash, and not your soul.
 
And he's buying a stairway to Wal-Mart.