RTAFD: THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
by Clams Casino

The scene: a snow-covered parking lot. It is Christmas eve, and dozens of RTAFD posters wait outside a mall, sometimes talking, but mostly pacing in desperate, quiet silence awaiting their chance to get the last few pieces of their 1998 collection needs.

Musical interlude: "Why don't I fit in?" sung to the tune of "Why Am I Such A Misfit?" from 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'

GAREEE: "Why am I such a mis-fit? 
I am not such a nit-wit 
Just because I'm not P-C 
Why don't I fit in?" 

The lo-cal scalpers all hate me 
Figment won't date me 
Too damn smart for my own good 
I'll ne-ver fit in. 

My mouse head barely fits in the Geo 
Mother nature was against me 
I post a few too many 
Why don't I fit in?" 

TERRY ROOFE: "Quiet, you! You think you're the only one getting coal in his stocking this year? Allow me to elaborate: 
I've got toys in box-es 
My Taco Bell farts are ob-nox-ious 
I try to be nice but you flame me 
Why bother fitting in?"

DICKSON TANG: "You trickster villain. I try make deal but you stool your mother."

GAREEE: "Shut up! Let me belt out a few lines detailing my pain: 
My cus-toms all rock just ad-mit it! 
I ain't no redneck nit-wit! 
Just because I have a mouse head 
Why can't I fit in?"

ROT: "I like your mouse head Gareee!"

ELF OF DOOM, WINE, and several other folks in leather jackets: "What a surprise."

GROVER MONSTER: "But I, as well, have discomforts 
I don't know what the fuss is 
Why you folks all don't cuss-es? 
Just because I say 'damn' 
Guess I don't fit in."

ROT: "Aw, blow it out yer arses !! Cryin like a bunch of grow babies !! I think I can come up with a few lines myself !! So dig it: 
I've got balls to pussy 
But I don't rub it in !!"

MARCIA: "Problems?! You think YOU'VE got problems?! How about THIS: 
I have Wolverines of all shades 
Every one that has been made 
Just because of that pink one 
Why don't I fit in?"

RONSPORT: "That's nothing. At least you weren't labelled the Town Scalper for one posting faux pas: 
I posted my Flo-Jo's for sale  
Then I got roundly roas-ted  
What a bunch of meanies  
Why can't I fit in?"

ELF OF DOOM: "My own agony is Batman with no knees, and I condemn those who would have me give up my Tele Tubbies! Furthermore:  
I have been labeled the "King of Literacy" 
Why don't I fit in?"

RTAFD SANTA: "Such selfishness, and over children's toys! I have Complaints to lodge as well:  
I send out free toys  
Mailing them all is a big pain  
Why won't y'all do the same thing?  
Guess I don't fit in."

(Everyone joins hands) 
All (singing to the tune of "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year"): 
"A dead possum for rot 
A Chewie in chains for odin 
What in the heck could be wrong with this? 
When Christmas day is here 
The most wonderful day of the year.

A Batman with knees for EOD 
A Jack Skelington for Pixie 
These are the things to make our Christmas eves 
When Christmas day is here 
The most wonderful time of the year."

(The shadow of a security guard appears inside the mall, and soon the doors are unlocked. A stampede ensues, and everyone runs into KB Toys. All look around, but there is no exclusives whatsoever, not even a JLA Green Lantern repaint. The store manager apears.)

MANAGER: No Furbys!

PIXIE: But we don't want Furbys!

GAREEE: Correct! Where are the Famous Covers?

MANAGER: Um... I... we... sold out! Yeah, that's the ticket!

JEREMY: You've got some in the back, don't you, you son of a....

MANAGER: That's a pretty serious accusation! Hey, didn't you used to be in Rocky Horror?

BUBBA BO BOB FETT: Where are you hiding the Boba Fett's, you scumbag?!

EVERYONE: Yeah!

MANAGER: Wait... I...

(A roly-poly gentleman sporting a long white beard walks into the store. He hands the manager a twenty-dollar bill.)

MANAGER (very sweaty): What... what's this for...?

ROLY POLY GENTLEMAN: Ho ho ho. Come now, Bob. We made the deal last week. You know how bad you've been this year, keeping everyone from their toys.

MANAGER: But I... uh...

EVERYONE: Grrrr....

ROLY POLY GENTLEMAN: Calm down, everybody. There's plenty of toys for all of you good boys and girls. Bob, open the doors to the back room. Ho ho ho.

MANAGER: Gulp.

SILVERWOLF: Outta the way, dirtbag !! I'll do it !!

(The stockroom doors open, revealing a room filled to bursting with Star Wars Ree Yees and DS Troopers; Famous Covers Black Widows; Captain Action Katos; JLA Huntress; Electronic Boba Fetts; Wrestlers by the hundreds; Treasure Hunts, and no pegwarming dreck whatsoever. No one starts grabbing things; there's simply too much good stuff. Everyone stands there open-mouthed, not knowing where to start.)

ROLY POLY GENTLEMAN: Ho ho ho?

ODIN: Wait a second... are you... ?

ROLY POLY GENTLEMAN: Ssh! Just have fun!

(Everyone files in, taking what they can hold. There's no need to rush as it would take two hundred shopping carts filled to the top just to make a dent in the incredible array of stuff.)

GAREEE: Thanks... whoever you are...!

ROLY POLY GENTLEMAN: You're quite welcome, son! Now I've got to go, but you must always remember: there's plenty more where that came from! Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

JEREMY (talking to the Manager): I'm gonna get you fired, and then I'm gonna stab you in the f...

ROT: Look! A sparkly My Little Pony!

MINTY: That's mine!

ROT: Keep it! I found a gigantic pit filled with pink ones with weird faces!

EVERYONE: "Holly-jolly, holly-jolly, ohhhh! 
Have a Holly Jolly Christmas 
It's the best time of the year 
There may not be 
A Mego Batgirl for me 
But Clams' got some beer! 
Have a Holly Jolly Christmas 
Oh by golly have a holly jolly Christmas..."

MISTRESS T: "...at KB!"

THE END 

Cast: