BUYER'S REMORSE STORIES
(12 NOV 1997)
by Robert Berry (Liquorhead)

So have you ever wanted a toy soooooooooo bad and shortly after you bought it, felt like a schmuck and took it back right away? I'll never forget the time I bought a Talking Steve Urkel doll. He looked so cool, I just had to have him. I thought this must be the coolest doll in the world! And when you pulled his string he said, "Got any cheese!!!". How could they make a doll cooler than this?

After I took this prize piece home, I set him on my fireplace shelf. As I ate dinner, I noticed that he looked kind of freaky. Almost mocking me with his Jaleel face. And when I walked from one side of the room to the other, his wacky eyes were following me. Then, even more spookily, he began talking without the string being pulled, really freaking me out.

"GOT ANY CHEEEEESE!"
"GOT ANY CHEESE!!!"
"GOOOOOOT ANNNNNNY CHEEEEEEEEESE!"

He then jumped from the mantle and started strangling me and I ripped his arms off, as he proceeded bitch slap me as only an Urkel doll can. His severed arms started strangling my ankles and his head was spinning around like a Whizzer top. I then threw him, and his severed arms into the fireplace while his wicked plastic head melted into oblivion.

Well...any stories about Toys you bought that you wish you didn't?