WHAT'S HOT THIS CHRISTMAS?
by Naoj Eixip (pixie@nyct.net)
Associated Press

This Christmas, what are your kids looking for? Maybe last year they wanted to have a Tickle Me Elmo, and maybe last summer it was Tamagotchi, but this year, it's action figures! And not just any action figures, but KULL THE CONQUEROR figures. It sounds almost crazy, considering the movie was, for all intents and purposes, a flop, but the kids are going crazy for the figures which look nothing like the actual actors that portrayed the characters in the film.

When I asked some of the older fans what they thought of the figures, many cheered and grabbed the whole assortment off the shelf. A grimy looking man with greasy hair and a chicken leg in his back pocket carted off six sets, while a young lad who insisted we only refer to him as the "Elf Of Doom" sat in the aisle and wiped tears away from his eyes. The young Elf simply repeated over and over, "those.. those were mine... I simply love Kull..."

In Canada, the frenzy for these figures is out of control. Two merry young shoppers, Mr. Rot N Hell and Wine Akapetesmom, were found fist fighting with some local ruffians in the aisles over a Kull in royal robes figure. When the cops came to break it up, the startled young people simply said, "Man, Kull is the RAGE and we hear those stupid Yankees can't get 'em, so we plan to make a kill" They ran off into some huge van, and refused to comment further.

Later in the week, Kull rage had seen a high point, when a real, live dominatrix in Florida chained and whipped a helpless TRU employee until he released a full case of MOMC figures. The shadowy woman, a young girl who asked that her name be held back until after the court case, simply said, "Look. I needed these figures to earn my keep on RTAF". When further prodded, she revealed that RTAF is a covert organization run by a man named Gary, who forces young women all over the country to buy hot figures for him. How does he do it? The dominatrix sighed. "He promised us rides in his Geo. And customized figures galore. It's all lies, though. But I'm hooked on the hope that someday, any day, I will be able to get that ride."

A RTAF spokesperson, claiming his name was "Grover Monster" was not willing to say anything other than, "Gary is not willing to speak to you all now, and there is no proof to these accusations." A reporter noticed large quantities of Kull figures shipping into the back door of RTAF headquarters, and when asked, "Grover Monster" punched a reporter in the face. Quickly, another spokesman, Harry from Peaches came out and explained that hoarding is not bad, and that no one forces anyone to buy, that buyers and traders agree mutually. This satiated reporters for the time, and "Gary" could not be reached for questioning.

In the meantime, it is two weeks until Christmas in America, and Kull figures are in short supply. Some kids will be mighty upset come Christmas, if Santa can't come through, and if this odd surge of popularity on these figures can't be dealt with somehow.