Millions
of years ago, dinosaurs walked the earth. After that, my  mother gave birth
to a child who would change the destiny of an entire
nation. His name was Raul Perrera and he eventually
became the Vice President of Ecuador. We still can’t
figure out how that happened. |
 When I was a
kid, I had a neighbor named Margie who collected Barbie
Stuff. This was back in the days before there was a Ken
or a Skipper or Dr. Malpractico or any of those guys. It
was just Barbie and her animals -- her cat (Fluffy), her
horse (Mr. Ed), and her dog (Hodges). I was intrigued by
these little plastic creatures and by the fact that I
could never get them to talk to me. |
Then,
in 1986, I was rummaging around in a Service Merchandise
(the only  store
whose name consists of two unrelated nouns, one of which
is a concept, the other of which is a generic,
all-encompassing term for items which may be procured
through the use of currency and/or currency-like
substances), looking for some sort of table or a big
wooden spoon or something, and I happened to see a Super
Powers Mr. Miracle. And I remembered him from a comic
book I once read (this would have been back in 1942,
right after the big thunderstorm), and I thought
he’d look good standing on my TV (seeing as how I
was getting tired of the ceramic bust of William Henry
Harrison), so I bought him. |
 Well, you can
guess the rest of the story. It all got out of hand after
that. Pretty soon, I had to buy every figure of every
comic book character I ever saw, heard about, imagined,
or didn’t even know about. Except Wolverine. Nobody
is THAT far gone. |
Even
though I lost a lot of my figures in the volcanic
accident of 1989, I’ve  managed to replace most of them. This can be an expensive hobby, true, but it helps to have a lot of other people’s credit cards. |
 As for me
personally, I guess the only thing I can tell you is that
I look exactly like the guy who runs the comic book shop
on The Simpsons. In fact, that really is me. I have a job
working for my best friend, so I can goof off most of the
time, read Toy Shop, order stuff from the ads,
occasionally pretend to be working (just for
appearances’ sake), and that sort of thing.
It’s a rough life, but that’s why the work
ethic was invented in the first place. |
I’m
happily divorced and plan to stay that way. Marriage was, for me, what Kryptonite is for Superman. Not gonna do that again! |
 In my spare
time, I like to play baseball/softball (summer), street
hockey (winter), I’ve done some magazine writing,
and did a comic strip called Strange Religions Of the
World, which appeared in a couple of
infinitesimally-limited-circulation-type magazines in my
area. I’m currently working on a new comic strip --
all I’m gonna say is it’s about the
world’s worst super hero. |
And
then there’s RTAF, where I’ve met dozens of
great people, picked  up a lot of action figures I probably never
would have been able to get otherwise (without paying an
arm and a kidney), learned a whole lot of stuff I never
knew, and just, generally, had a great time. |
 I
also want to thank Cherie for setting this whole thing up
in the first place and for giving us an opportunity to
open up a little bit. Thanks, Cherie! |
| INSTRUCTIONS: Remove
magnet (A) from condensation unit (B). Insert tab (C)
into rectangular opening (D) in hatch (E). Heat at 456
degrees for 38 minutes. Add cloves & garlic. Serves
six. Don’t try this at home -- go to somebody
else’s house. Prices subject to change without
notice. But if you DO notice, don’t make a big deal
out of it, OK? Obligatory Disclaimer: The information contained on these pages is to be used for gambling purposes only and is not to be fully understood or comprehended by anyone living at, above, or below sea level. Please send all inquiries to the Office of the Surgeon General at the above address. Elf Of Doom |